This Probably Doesn't Matter
I haven't written anything here for a really long time. Now suddenly I'm overwhelmed by the things I want to talk about and I can't keep any of them straight.
Today I woke up feeling discouraged. It's a feeling that has been creeping on me to be honest. I've felt it growing over the course of the past few weeks. The things that I'm doing, that a few months ago I was so proud of suddenly seem completely meaningless.
"What am I doing this for?" I wonder, "Does it matter?"
No, at least not to me. So why do I keep doing it then? The answer has to do partially with money and partially with fear. But there has to be more than this. More than just running in circles trying to survive. This isn't the loop I want to be stuck in.. and I'm frustrated with myself because I know better. I've seen the more. I know it is there, I know that it will be okay. I know that this is just temporary.
And even if what the cynic inside my head whispers is true, even if I'm just making it up. Even if I just tricked myself into believing that there was something bigger that I was safe and that I could do more, so what? Maybe it's not real.
Maybe I did make it up. Maybe I do live in a fantasy world or a delusion. I have a disorder hallmarked by those things-- but believing in it got me out of bed when I was ready to give up on the world.
Sometimes I look outside myself and I think I must be making it all up. It's all in my head and that means it isn't real. This is all there is...
But whenever I think that I feel like I am being crushed. I don't care if no one else sees it, I see it.
I don't care if no one else understands it, I understand it. I don't care if it isn't really there, to me it is real and believing in it got me further than listening to the cynic inside of me or the words around me.
Maybe it doesn't matter. In the really big picture nothing really does, but also as I have learned from going to that other place where things are much more real for me-- everything does.
I know better than to get trapped in this, but I get trapped anyway. That's okay. I was reminded today as I fought myself to find my way out, that the more often I get trapped the more frequently I'll learn to escape and the easier it will be. The more I fall down the more I'll learn to get back up.
So maybe I would rather be crazy. Maybe I don't care anymore if people recognize that in me. Maybe I can't handle things "as they are", I don't want to live in just this world. I can see more. I want to be more too.
I'm just ranting right now, so I'm sorry if you are reading this and it is super messy. I'm mostly just trying to unblock myself. There is much more that I want to say and I think that I'm going to have to start writing again (even if I tell myself I don't have time), because if I don't the words just get clogged and stuck and then I get lost in the fog of them. Also because what is happening right now is important. It is super important and maybe that's why everything else is starting to lose meaning in comparison.
So I don't know if this will matter, but maybe it will or if not this maybe the next thing or the next, but I'm going to try to be more consistent again about writing the things I'm seeing and hearing. Even if no one else reads them or understands I need to. So... Let's try this again.