The Snakes are Back
I was thinking about writing a second post this week—one about faith or soul contracts (I hadn’t decided yet), but I’m having a re-occuring new hallucination that is taking more of my attention. I started seeing them at the beginning of the month, they were around for about a week and then they subsided and I thought I was doing better but they showed up again Sunday night and keep appearing and disappearing.
This hallucination isn’t anything like the ones I’m used to having. Most of the previous things I saw were shadowy and humanoid—they didn’t quite look human but they had human-like aspects. When they showed up things got really dark and gray and if there was color it was usually associated with blood or tears. I was also extremely cold whenever they were around.
The new hallucinations are not like that at all. They take the form of snakes—sometimes there are two of them and sometimes more but I think they are typically in pairs. They weave in and out and while there are areas of black there are also glowing flames. There is heat associated with these hallucinations, I feel myself growing warm when they show up instead of cold and at the beginning of the month when they were more intense it felt like my skin was burning. It wasn’t as strong a sensation as physical burning would be, maybe a better description would be to say that it felt like my skin was glowing. It felt like there were flames around it and I could feel warmth but muted. I also feel nauseous when they are around. At the beginning of the month I almost threw up a couple times.
There is pain around them, but it is a different pain than I usually associate with the things I see. The other creatures produced pain that was sharp and icy—it reminded me of shards of glass and ice. These snakes are heavy and the pain is a sickening twisting feeling. There is also something powerful about them—I don’t know if it would be considered good powerful or bad powerful, but there is something that is intense.
They tend to show up when I’m mostly in the physical world but it becomes harder to stay here when they are around, things don’t get fuzzy like they do with the other hallucinations—they flicker and the world transitions the way that letters come into focus when you go to the eye doctor and they switch back and forth between lenses.
Eventually I get to a point where I feel completely absorbed in the other world, that is when the pain becomes most intense and it’s hard to respond to this world. I get really tired and sometimes cry, but I’ve noticed that with these snakes what keeps happening around that point is I am no longer in a room or building but a dark place surround by space and sometimes stars or flames. Then I see that I am not myself but am watching parts of my body unravel like bolts of fabric and as my arms and legs come apart and roll out they reveal more empty space—like I’ve never existed at all. Inside of me and outside of me is just space and the fabric rolls open into it, but the edges have frayed threads, but when I notice the threads I see they are not threads but the snakes. The snakes are moving back and forth tearing the fabric apart and then stitching it together and then after I seen that—at least for the past couple times—the world snaps back into place and I’m back in my body with pain only existing as a memory.
It’s a really weird experience and I’m still grappling with how to interpret it. As intense and sickening as it feels I don’t believe it is actually negative. The typical hallucinations I associate with the idea of demons and ghosts—disembodied and lost spirits in the other plane with no light of their own. These snakes don’t strike me as either. In my animal medicine tarot deck the snake is associated with transmutation and healing.
I’ve noticed that the symbols in these hallucinations have similar connotations. Fire represents purification, healing, and transmutation of energy. Nausea can be associated with purging and toxicity but if you reverse that it can become a kind of antidote. The weaving pattern of the snakes themselves remind me of stitching something together. The combination of that movement with heat brings to mind at least the idea of disinfecting and suturing wounds. There is something protective about these snakes as well. I don’t feel like fully understand them or have the capacity to withstand their presence without significant discomfort, but I think they are trying to help with something.
At the beginning of the month I felt the snakes mostly weaving through the spaces associated with the sacral and solar plexus chakra—it felt like I got kicked in the gut and stomach a lot. Today I noticed that the feeling was mostly in my chest.
I don’t know what any of this means or if they will keep returning or fade away. I’m writing this now because it’s really easy to forget sensations between states of consciousness—and also because thinking about writing this made some of their intensity subside when it was getting strong earlier and because focusing on almost anything else feels impossible when they are around.
If I seem snappy or distant or like I’m switching between being healthy and withdrawn lately I apologize. I feel like the movement between layers or reality is abrupt when they are around and it takes a lot more energy to stay present.
Chances are when they do leave, I’ll be really tired for another week or two—but maybe there will be some new insights by then. In the meantime don’t worry—I’m not giving up or trying to be rude—just trying to grow through this new experience.
Take care and have a happy safe Thanksgiving.