I know I said I was going to talk about non-judgment next—and I still plan to by the end of this week-- I’m really excited about that post in particular. But, this full moon lunar eclipse energy has not been the most pleasant of experiences and processing the pain of it seemed more relevant in this moment, especially if there is the chance that anyone else is having a similarly difficult time with the strength of the energy right now.
There has been a really strong non-tangible pain around me lately. Yesterday I saw a monster—it was giant and heavy—seeing monsters doesn’t really scare me anymore but sometimes when they are present the world gets darker and the pain becomes much stronger. That is what makes seeing them difficult, the atmosphere around them feels like it is screeching with pain and when the pain surrounds you (or in some cases) dissipates through your skin so that it is coursing through you it seems to become all there is in the world.
I used to have these kinds of experiences much more frequently. I would panic and try to run away or tear the pain out of myself—but it never worked. The pain is its own force in moments like that.
At one point a couple of years ago I had learned how to meditate and separate myself enough from my initial reaction to watch my response. I remember doing this when several of these kinds of monsters apparated and my panic produced no alleviation from the pain. I had just let myself fall onto the ground and scream and when the pain still didn’t end, I took deep breaths and decided that if I couldn’t end the pain I would observe it and myself in it.
While I watched I saw myself struggling to breath, I saw my thoughts whining up the heavens begging for help while simultaneously cursing whoever continually allowed me to fall into such a moment.
“It’s okay” I told myself, “It will pass.”
“No” the part of me that was being observed screamed back, “it’s forever. Every time this happens the pain lasts forever.”
“But it isn’t. There is always an end”
The me in pain shook his/her head, “No there may be a time when this passes, but at this moment the pain is eternal”.
And then I understood Hell in a different way.
Hell as an eternal place of suffering never made sense to me before. Why would a loving God or even a neutral higher power create a place of eternal suffering? What was the point? There was no redemption in that kind of creation, no one could learn or improve or grow or have another chance. It didn’t make any sense at all.
But when the part of me that was writhing on the floor in pain said that and the observer part of me looked around I saw that even though the pain might subside in hours or days in that moment it extended endlessly up and down.
I understood that each moment was itself an eternity--full moment completely whole in itself. So if that moment was colored by excruciating pain then the pain in that moment was also eternal. Similarly, in moments of extreme peace and joy eternity becomes easy to realize and in moments I have had that were colored by those energies I felt the concept of Heaven.
There are moments that you know are eternal—not in the framework of timelines which move horizontally through many eternal points creating the feeling of temporality, but from the perspective of encapsulated dimensions where each moment exists statically forever and the energy of the moment extends vertically through time and space to create bridges between the realms.
I was thinking about this today because yesterday I was just reacting to the pain, today it subsided enough for me to remember to step back and observe. This is eternal, but so is everything before and after it.
I looked around and saw that I was back in the “In-between”, the place between realities—specifically between the dimension we would most associate with Limbo or Hell and this plane of existence.
I’ve been here before, I reminded myself, and I’m here now for a reason.
There is no reason to be scared. I chose to come back.
I believe that right now we are going through a massive transition. People are being pushed in greater numbers to grow and in doing so to come to a new understanding about what it means to be alive. There is a huge push for us to reach these higher levels, but at the same time this sudden movement creates waves of fear, resistance, and other types of buried energy. It is a time when it is easy to get torn apart across the “in-between”.
“You are moving” I heard the message very clearly last night between tears and prayers, “moving makes you more vulnerable to disembodied energies and it means that you can’t always hang on to everything so tightly—but it is movement that will get you where you need to be. Things are starting to move now, but don’t panic, movement is what you have been wanting; you are getting out and you are safe.”
I think that’s an important part to remember for anyone else experiencing these energies right now. It feels terrifying, it is painful and the there is a sense of the eternal embedded in it (since it is from external dimensions without linear time) but it’s just movement and it will be okay. We are on our way to our next eternal moment and having the chance to carve a path and lay the framework for a life that we really want to live.
I want to leave you with an image from a dream I had a couple years ago. In the image someone—I assumed it to be some sort of angel or guide—was explaining the concept of love to me. I think that the term love could be replaced in this context with “time” or “reality” or “life”.
I was sitting in a dark room at a desk and there was a chain with a pendulum hanging over the desk. The pendulum moved back and forth in a straight line.
“This is what humans tend to think love is” the voice told me as the pendulum swung. “Back and forth, give and take, but this is limited. Love is really more like this.”
The pendulum began to rotate in a circle instead, “it encompasses all the give and take and more, but even this is just a diagram. Love is really more like this”
Then the pendulum began to spiral upwards and as it did it emitted bright light that could have been white or pale pink. The light formed a column that extended far up into the dark above me and down through the desk.
I woke up then, knowing even that column was only a slice of what love or life or truth really is, but that it showed that it extended into the realm of the eternal outside of the scope of time.