I knew that this was going to happen. I could feel it coming, that's what the resistance was for.
When I start writing these things, when I start "speaking my truth" in a sense there is always a reaction. It isn't from other people (I don't think enough people read this to give me a reaction). It's from within. Or maybe you could say it's energetic if you believe in that (which I do but timidly for now).
Resistance causes you to avoid things that will ultimately change you. That change is usually associated with growth. Not everyone wants to pursue growth and that is perfectly okay, but it is currently one of my core values so I seek it as often as I can and sometimes in the middle of seeking it I find myself cursing myself for the things I unleash-- they aren't usually physical things, but things from within.
When I told my parents about what I saw last night my mom sympathetically said "it is always two steps forward, one step back. It's okay to move backwards sometimes."
I used to agree with her, that was how I saw it. You move forward and then you get pushed back and then you move forward and then you get pushed back. Maybe that is an adequate metaphor, but I don't see this that way, at least not right now.
No, I've been getting lots of illustrations regarding the "illusion" of backwards movement to prepare me for now. They've been setting me up so that when this happened I would know that it isn't really "backwards" it is actually a sign of leaping forward. But even with all that preparation, in the moment it felt VERY backwards and I was extremely frustrated and concerned that I had made some terrible mistake.
"Let it pass" they told me, "You'll feel better in the morning."
It passed and I feel better-- more at ease though it took some time to recognize what this sense of stillness was.
"It's everything coming together, a point of integration."
There is a reason for it all, even if I can't explain what that reason is-- I just feel it. Something new is happening. I don't understand it all but "just go with it" they say, "let it be what it is."
So that is what I am trying to do, and that is why I am here writing this. A voice inside of me wants to speak-- even if no one listens. It's a voice I've suppressed for way too long. It doesn't care if anyone listens, it doesn't care what anyone thinks (not even really what I think), it just wants to speak. It wants to be allowed to exist and be itself. So I am letting it.
There is a story I want to tell now about what happened last night and about a thing that started to happen 18 years ago. It is a story that I struggled with for a long, long time. It didn't make sense to me, but it's starting to now.
Here is the story:
"The Ghost Girl"
When I was twelve I started seeing an apparition. I didn't know what she was or where she came from. I had also started hearing screaming voices, watching the world turn to static, and being bombarded by extraordinarily violent images that crept out of the floors or crawled through the walls-- so it was a very confusing time and nothing really made sense at all. But this girl always caught my attention.
She tortured me more than any of the violent images that I saw. When she appeared everything else faded and all I could see was her (only for a second) and not solid enough to make sense of who or what she could be, but the feeling around her was so strong that it stopped time for me and left me reeling days after she left. She scared me in a way that nothing else did and I felt both drawn to and repulsed by her.
"Who are you?" I tried to ask but she never answered. She only appeared and then vanished. Sometimes she stayed a little longer and seemed to beg for help-- there was so much pain around her and peering into the blue pools in her eyes I saw a deep but frozen well. The well scared me, it ran so far down and from it a piercing sensation rang that I had never felt before. I couldn't describe the feeling. It was both intoxicating and sickening.
"Help me" she sometimes said without words. But I never knew how and then she left and I felt broken and empty.
I became terrified of her. Every time I saw her I was thrown into an emotional tail-spin that made the dissolving walls seem normal.
"I can't help you" I started to yell when she appeared, "leave me alone!"
Sometimes she grew in size. One time she reached all the way to the sky and from her hand there was a weapon like an ax on a chain with a torso attached and I was terrified-- not that she would hurt me, but of that sickening feeling growing inside of me again.
When she was less intimidating I would sometimes ask what she wanted.
She didn't know.
"Why do you keep coming to me then?"
"I need something" She would say without words, "I'm looking for something."
She didn't know, but I felt the yearning like a thirst. Her heart was crying desperately for something-- but it didn't know what.
"I don't know what to do," I would say sometimes, "I want to help you but you aren't even real and being near you hurts me so badly. I don't know how to help you."
When she left I missed her, but when she was around I felt sick.
She looked outwardly like a kind of tragic monster. She had dark hair, pale skin, deep blue in and around shaded eyes and red blood over her mouth. I knew on some level that the coloring was symbolic but I didn't know what the symbols meant and as far as I knew anything with that appearance was associated with evil.
I shouldn't go near you, I thought, because you are evil and I want to be good. I know that going to dark things will only lead to bad outcomes.
But something else in me said, I know you aren't evil. Not really. There is something hurting something I don't understand yet.
So I never knew whether to get closer or further and not knowing made everything else more difficult and I hated myself for it.
There was a song I wrote for her once, or maybe she wrote it for me. I don't know. I didn't know what it was or where it came from only that I felt it somewhere in my heart and it came out over the gray landscape and was filled with that same sickening emotion I felt when she appeared. I didn't know enough about music to write or even sing the melody correctly though it was the notes that had the biggest impact. The words were weak in comparison. I don't remember most of them anymore but it started out like this:
Standing out here in the rain, screaming hard I call your name
Do you remember me? Do you remember me?
At some point she started to fade away. I saw her less and less and missed her less and less. It was for the best, life was hard enough without her and when she did appear I felt an acute sense of needing to die run over me. So I took her as a symbol of evil or illness and tried to move on.
Last night she came back.
It's not the first time I've seen her this year but this time her presence was stronger than the glimpses I'd caught before. Along with her appearance came a dissolving of the walls and the appearance of hanging figures throughout my house. There was also a really creepy looking monster, but like before her appearance made a much bigger impression on me than other things.
Seeing her again startled me,
"Why are you here?" I wanted to know.
She still didn't answer but she didn't run either. I looked at her.
"I know you" I said because I realized that I did. "You aren't evil at all."
I walked over to her and ran my hand over her face and the darkness and paleness rubbed off like make up. In fact all the colors rubbed away.
"This is just a projection" I realized, "you think you are evil so you are showing yourself this way, but you aren't. There is nothing wrong or bad about you at all."
Then I saw the frozen well again and this time I understood.
"That's your heart. You have the ability to love so deeply but the depth of it hurts. You can feel everything and because you can feel everything you are scared. You pick up everyone's pain and because it hurts you think it is bad and because you think it is bad you think you are bad, but the truth is you are upside-down. You are NOT bad at all, you love deeply enough to hurt and you punish yourself for loving and have called yourself evil and shrowded yourself in darkness when in fact you are the essence of light. The well is frozen because it hurt so badly to love so deeply. You didn't know what to do with that pain so you had to numb it. I understand now. I see you now.'
'You are good. You are truly, truly good. Don't be afraid of yourself, I'm not afraid of you anymore. I'm sorry that I didn't recognize you. I love you my friend."
Here is a Journal from High School and a poem I was given that I had taped into the front. It seemed fitting to share.