I believe in magic. Not in the magic tricks but in that sense of wonder that fills you when you realize that there is more to the world than you know and you see the beauty in how little you know and how much you don't understand.
There is beauty everywhere, but sometimes it is hard to see. That's what I believe, but sometimes it is really hard to see.
Right now I'm feeling discouraged. It's been a theme lately. I'm sure that school is mostly responsible for it. I don't want to complain about school though. I know how lucky I am to have the opportunity to learn something I really want to learn. I'm just so bad at it and I'm trying to live out my new belief that life doesn't have to be painful. That it doesn't have to take constant struggle to succeed at something. I don't want to succeed that way. I want to enjoy the process, and yet...
What if I can't? Why does it feel so hard right now?
It feels like I'm caught in a wave that screams not to relax, not to trust. You have to have your guard up, it yells. Or
Or what though?
I'll fail? Again. What if I do?
If I can sit long enough to ask that question and let the answer rush by it isn't actually so bad I guess.
Actually, writing this helped a lot. I was feeling much worse before. I thought that everything was going to collapse and I'd get stuck in that painful place where happiness would be wiped away.
That's not going to happen. I won't get stuck there again. I might crash-land there from time to time, but I'm not getting stuck anymore.
Even if I fail. Even if I crash. Even if I stupidly mess up over and over. I'll get up. I'll always get back up.
Thanks for listening. I guess I just needed to vent.