I've been getting my memories back.
Not all of them and not linearly, but they've been coming in lately. It's been strange though. It doesn't feel like I've been remembering them, it feels like they were taken away from me polished and refined and then handed back in bright clarity that in some ways feels more alive and real than I do. They have not been bad memories, but holding them has felt almost painful because of the amount of energy contained in them.
I'll explain what is happening. It will probably make no sense-- but that's pretty much how my life works so...
In the past week or two I've been getting hit with these huge waves of pain. Sometimes they feel like anxiety or despair. At first I thought of them as emotional or psychological pain but they felt different than those things. Eventually I realized that the last time I had felt that level of pain was when I had been going to school in Fresno. I suddenly started to see this pain as existential pain or "spiritual" pain. It had to do with the pain of being in existence and realizing that everything including myself and the pain was both temporary and infinite and I could neither hold it nor lose it and all of it was beyond what I could understand. There were also really dark hallucinations which included images of things I hadn't seen in years. The waves would get bigger and bigger and I'd cry and eventually end up laying down and falling into sleep or something close to it. In my dream I could hear my thoughts running but I couldn't hold onto them. They just leaked out and dissipated into the air and I could still feel the pain but it grew into a warm sensation and then reduced in intensity and then memories came flooding back in.
They came in too quickly for me to comprehend them. Like the thoughts that had moved quickly out of my head before I could latch on to any of them the memories came in and I felt them but they moved so fast that I couldn't understand. Eventually I woke up and realized I could pull the memories up and look at them if I wanted. They were random seeming. I remembered being a kid and climbing in my friend's dad's abandoned jeep on a really hot summer day. I remembered getting lost on the way to a required leadership retreat during my first year of college. I remembered being really young and falling asleep on my Grandpa's lap while a calm but boring voice droned on about a golf course.
For the past few days I've been taken mostly by the feeling of each memory. They've been so vivid that looking at them has almost stung (like looking into the sun) even though they felt warm. Then today as I thought about what it means to just be present, I heard the voice-less voice say something to the effect of "That bright spark that you feel is life itself. It is present everywhere in everything. Remember what it felt like so that you can see it again in your present moment. Then you won't have to go back into the past or forward into a daydream to find it. Feel it and in feeling it you will find it."
That's all. I just wanted to share that.
Thank you for reading.