I dislike the cold. When I get very scared and things seem to be going bad I have a tendency to feel unusually cold. It's not that the air around me feels cold, it's more like the cold is inside of me projecting outward and no matter what I do to try to warm up I can't.
During the hardest parts of my life it would be summer in the desert and I'd be wearing a jacket and feeling like I was freezing.
It doesn't usually get that bad anymore. Now the cold still comes in when things feel unstable and when I get anxious but it doesn't usually last as long. The last few months I've been cold a lot. This is partially because it's winter and it's cold but I've noticed that even when I'm bundled in a jacket in a warm room, sweating I still feel like I'm freezing-- like my body is radiating cold. I've also been feeling like I'm getting yanked in and out of "reality" a lot lately. That black and white world where things look different keeps appearing and disappearing and I feel a lot of anxiety about it. I'm trying to let myself just go with waves of movement and not define or hold too tight to anything, but it isn't easy.
Anyway, today I had a doctor's appointment that I have been dreading. I woke up feeling somewhat anxious and prior to that appointment my anxiety began to gobble up my stomach so I left the grocery shopping I had gone out to do undone and went home to calm down.
I tried to meditate-- figuring that grounding myself would help. It did but that cold feeling kept creeping in. At the end of the meditation I still felt cold and scared and like there was this weird buzzing, pulsing sensation all around me making the room shake.
I laid down on the floor to see if I could process it. The cold feeling made me want to curl up into a ball but as I started to I remembered a dream I'd had in December which told me to open up instead of closing down and then words that I had heard during a meditation I did in July suddenly ran through my head "embrace the cold."
I had done a more intentional journeying mediation in July and that was what I had been told. It didn't make sense during that month because it was over a hundred degrees and I didn't know what cold I was supposed to embrace. My ankle was swollen for some reason at that time though so I grabbed an ice-pack and thought that would be enough.
Since July those words have been randomly running through my mind every few weeks or months. "Embrace the cold. Embrace the cold."
"I don't know what you mean" I tell the words and then they are gone.
Today I saw the image from my dream and heard the words as I was curling up to hide from the cold, "Embrace the cold."
"Ugh. Fine" I argued and uncurled myself.
I hate the cold.
But the odd thing was that when I did this the cold only stayed for a second and then suddenly it felt like a hundred little fires were rippling over my skin. It didn't really burn but there was a warm electric sensation. Then the words changed, "transmute the cold" it said and I saw how cold sometimes burns and heat sometimes chills and that these two sensations are very closely related in a way I couldn't fully explain.
"I can do that?" I asked.
"Transmute the cold" was the answer.
I don't really understand all of what that means yet-- or even why I felt the need to share any of it. I was standing outside (in the cold) waiting for my dog to come in and I heard the words for this blog and felt like it would be something to write and now that I've written it I can't fathom what the purpose is. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe it was just a random thing that I have just been thinking about and wanted to share-- but in the interest of doing things differently and taking a risk I'm sharing it whether it is purposeless or not.
Thank you for taking the time to read this :)