I'm not sure exactly what happened. It feels like it came out of nowhere, but lately I've been finding myself working through feelings of guilt.
I don't think it is a bad thing. I think that sometimes these heavier feelings come up so that we can work through them and release them. It's a good time to look at some of these old, unhelpful patterns that are ingrained in aspects of our life so that we can understand where they come from and make the decision (and effort) to change them.
I spent the first half of the year dealing with old patterns of shame. The second half seems to be centered more on guilt. I haven't finished working through it yet, so I don't know what the root is or how exactly to approach it. I've just been noticing it.
I've also noticed that for me guilt and gratitude are related. I wonder if it is possible for guilt to be a shadow aspect of gratitude. In my life it seems this way. When good things happen and people are especially kind or when I am provided with all that I need to live a happy life I find myself coming face to face with a wall of guilt.
Maybe it's related to that idea of self-worth and not being deserving. I think that sometimes it is, but other times I think there is something else there. Still, I feel that if guilt is somehow a shadow of gratitude then it should be possible to re-train the pattern so that instead of feeling guilty when someone else is kind to me I can be grateful and the gratefulness can be used to promote more generosity (from myself as well as others). I think the possibility of turning this heaviness into something beautiful is possible.
I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. If anyone has any suggestions I'd be happy to hear them.
I realize that feeling guilty when someone chooses to be kind to me only wastes their kindness. It takes away what they were trying to do and makes me useless in a spiral of blame and self-victimization.
I don't want to live in this pattern any longer. I don't want to waste kindness. Kindness is beautiful and can sprout into a whole new concept of love and appreciation. Generosity and gratitude can be used to create a new framework for relating to one another-- one that isn't based on deserving and paying back but on a higher form of reciprocation. I know it's possible.
There is a lot of good in the world. We can grow it instead of diminishing it. I want to help it grow instead of burying it in my own insecurities.
That's all for now. Again any suggestions for how to make this transformation would be very much appreciated.
Thanks for reading.