Finding Festering Wounds
Scorpio season is--according to the little knowledge I possess of astrology-- a time when you are hit with the fullness of truth regardless of how deeply buried it may be or how difficult it is to face. These past couple weeks have definitely felt that way to me.
It's okay. In the end it is a good process, one that helps you move forward in life. In the moment it can sometimes sting. I had a couple small things happen lately that are meaningless on the surface but made me very aware of seem deeply held, not-very-helpful core beliefs.
The most recent one was a virus that came onto my browser. It wasn't a big deal and didn't seem to have spread to my whole computer, but it did force me to restore my computer to a previous setting. Again, it wasn't a big deal, but it took the rest of the day and night for my computer to restore and in that time I found myself faced with a ridiculously unfounded, severe panic.
"It's not a big deal," I told myself, "It will be fine. I can use a tablet to get the writing that I need to finish done and I can work on other projects."
Even though I knew this I had a full panic attack. Once it subsided I went to sleep. When I woke up I was immediately struck by another bout of desperate panic.
"What is going on?" I had to ask myself, "What is the big deal?"
I messed it up, was the first response that came back, I messed it up and I can't fix it.
It wasn't about the computer. It wasn't about any one thing. It was a theme that's been playing out in my life over and over for as long as I can remember. It's linked to an unconscious belief. If I mess up, I tell myself wordlessly, it's okay as long as I can fix it.
But what if I can't?
If I can't?
That was the part I needed to work through.
"If I can't, then I have to trust that it will still be okay; that I'll be strong enough to pick up whatever pieces fall out of this experience and get back on my feet and try again."
I'm not strong. The belief said back. I can't make decisions. I can't pick up the pieces. Having everything stay in order keeps me safe. I don't know what to do if it falls apart.
Oh. I see...
This is an old belief that I've had for way too long. It isn't working anymore and it isn't true anymore.
"I am stronger" I tell it, "I've worked hard to become stronger so that I can make adjustments when I need to. I can make my own decisions. I can find solutions. I am capable of this."
It was just an old memory of fear-- an old memory of helplessness.
But why am I sharing this with you?
Because maybe you are experiencing something similar. A good way to find these old, ingrained beliefs is to follow the emotion. If something that would normally seem small sets off a huge emotional reaction there is a pretty good chance that there is something lying beneath the surface. Chances are that beneath that emotional response is an old wound that's been festering unnoticed for years. The way to heal it is to look it at.
I'm not an expert or anything. This is just what I've been learning as I've been working on healing my own deeply ingrained wounds. It's not an easy thing to look at or to face, and if you find yourself in a similar situation just know that you aren't alone. We are going through these waves together and in the end it will be worth it to release the old pain and create healthy, new beliefs instead.
Wishing you all the best,