A new theme is emerging in my drawings as I try to find the courage to go for what I want, even though I've never actually had the courage to say what exactly that is. Maybe I don't know exactly what it is. I have these ideas that come in images and sometimes words but are hard for me to describe concretely. I have this idea of what I want to do with my life and the direction I want to head in, but trying to pin it down and say exactly what it is has been challenging.
It has to do with art and healing and changing perspectives to promote compassion. I don't know if that's an actual thing or exactly what form it could take, but it's what I want to do and I'm hoping that if I keep doing my best to head in this direction things will come together eventually.
These drawings reflect some of the internal dialogue I've had as I try to make sense of what it is I actually want and how terrifying it is to admit and go after it.
I know I'm not the only person who struggles with trying to create a life that doesn't fit into the "normal" mode of expectations.
It's scary to move forward with what you really want. I get scared frequently when I think about it, because I don't know exactly how it will turn out. I don't have any guarantees, but I feel like I need to follow this path and see where it goes. It's important to me to at least try.
When I get really scared and overwhelmed sometimes I think about other things I could do instead. I think, wouldn't it be easier to just... (and then I list a whole bunch of possibilities that I imagine to be less difficult).
No, the truth is I don't think it would be easier. I think it might look easier when I'm scared and looking around instead of focusing on my own life experience. But if I was on a different path instead of my own it would still be challenging, and most likely less fulfilling because it's not what I really want.
All paths have their unique challenges and lessons. It can be tempting to fall into the trap of comparison.
I wish I had that. I wish I was like this. I wish I wanted that. I wish... I wish... I wish...
But no if I really wanted a different kind of life I could try to work towards that. What I want right now is to keep going in this direction and see what happens, even if it is hard and scary sometimes. Other paths would be hard and scary sometimes too.
I'm happy where I am right now. I hope it will work out, but if it doesn't I'm starting to have faith in the idea that I will be able to make the adjustments I need to so that I can move forward in another way.
I don't have to be afraid.
If this doesn't work I'll try something else. Right now I'm going to keep trying.
Thank you for reading. :)