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Trust

October 16, 2018

Sometimes (frequently) I get myself swept up in a rush of trying to accomplish things. Other times I find a rigid schedule or ritual which I try desperately to cling to without compromise. 

 

I've done this for years. I try to hold on to things or I do the opposite and move so fast that I can't keep up with myself. Or worse, I try to do both simultaneously. As you can probably guess this doesn't usually end well. 

 

I was getting like that again this weekend-- so many things I wanted to catch up on, nothing from my ritualized schedule I was willing to let go of-- I could feel myself moving too fast but sometimes I need someone to step in and just tell me to stop. 

 

My best amiga helped me with that this morning.

 

"Don't do anything today" she said. 

The argument could be made that by writing this post I'm not taking her advice, but I think that the underlying sentiment was: don't get stuck in the belief that you have to do something. Don't get carried away trying to do things. Give yourself a break. 

 

So I stopped. I told myself I'm not going to worry about getting anything done today. Yes, I know there are things I want to get done-- but today they aren't a priority. I'll get to them when I'm ready, I need to trust that I will... 

 

And that's where the title of this post comes in.

 

Trust.

 

That is something that I struggle with and it is because I struggle with it so deeply that I keep finding myself running through this same loop. I don't trust that I will be able to handle the future so I try to do everything right this second. I don't trust that I've done what I need to and can enjoy the process of life. I don't trust that the floor will still be here when I wake up tomorrow.

 

I am learning how to spot these kinds of pitfalls in my thinking. Right now there is an inherent lack of trust that I am having to face so that I can recognize it and move forward.

 

I'm getting better though. I remember when it first started, sometime between the ages of 8 and 12 when I felt like the world would literally implode at any given second. I chanted a prayer constantly in my head because I just knew that the world would fall apart and I drove myself crazy trying to stay one step ahead of the inevitable destruction that didn't really exist. 

 

My fear is less literal now. I'm afraid that if I don't do enough then I won't be enough. I'm afraid that some stressful situation will fall out of the heavens and smash me (not literally), or that if I'm not a good enough friend, daughter, etc the people in my life will just leave. Rationally when I think about these things I know they aren't true, but I have to sit still long enough to realize them in order to look at them rationally and a lot of times the fear gets so big so fast that I'll just start running without looking at what I'm running from or where I'm running to. 

 

It started this time partially because of that dream idea I talked about in my last post. I started thinking that if it's going to be real I have to do all these things and stay perfectly balanced in all these other areas and do it all right NOW. Even as I told myself that I needed to slow down, I feared that if I didn't move fast enough the dream would just be gone. Fear said "face that fear right this second or you won't be able to."

 

It's a tricky thing, fear. 

 

It's okay. I'm slowing down now.

 

If things work out then they work out, if they don't then they don't. Life is what is happening now. I can work toward a future dream but I need to enjoy this moment too. I need to find peace where I am. The future will come when its ready and it will take whatever form it takes, but if I find my peace here then I have everything I need in this moment and that's all life is... Moments like this one. Right now. Right here. Enjoy it. 

 

Thank you for listening. 

 

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