It occurred to me when I got home from a trip to Arizona on Thursday that the problem with getting glimpses of your dream life is that at some point you get back to your real life and are made aware of the distance between the two. I'm being cynical as I say this, I don't mean it is an actual problem. It's really more of the beginning of a solution, but let me go back and tell you what I'm talking about.
My mom's dream was always to travel, so when we were kids we went on yearly vacations. One of them was to Arizona. I think I was nine or ten the first time we went there. I wasn't very impressed with Southern Arizona, but Northern Arizona...
I wanted to live in Flagstaff and/or Sedona (in my child's mind they were the exact same place-- in my adult mind they are still practically the same place even if they are a couple hours drive apart).
Life goes on though. We visited other places, I forgot about how much I loved that area, etc. Last year for some reason the idea of Sedona popped back into my mind and I really wanted to go there. All the memories of Sedona and Flagstaff came flooding back in. I looked at the prices of living there but moving wasn't really an option. I let the thought go and moved on with figuring out other things, my mom invited me to go back with her this year.
Before the trip I was freaking out a little because I get scared and stressed easily. I was NOT in a very pleasant mood the first day, but then we got to hike in the canyons and later go back to the city of Flagstaff and my heart remembered why I had fallen in love with the place as a kid.
I want to live here, I thought. I can see myself living here.
Re-ignition of a long forgotten dream.
A beautiful dream that I would love to live in and not come out of... but...
But the reality is that in order to make that dream into a reality I have an impossible-seeming distance to cover. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I want to get there so badly.
As we were driving home I was thinking about what it would take to not just be able to move to Flagstaff, but to move there and live the kind of life I really want and I kept seeing these big black tunnels.
Before the trip, when I thought about my future the message I kept getting was:
You need to choose a direction and focus on it.
On the way back, I had made a decision, so the message changed. It became instead:
You have more fears to face. It's not impossible, but you're going to have to go through the darkness you've been running from.
And this is the problem (or really the solution) of dreaming. I don't want to go through those tunnels, but I want to get to my dream badly enough that I already know I'm going to take that risk.
I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. My mind says. But my heart does want to and so does my soul; so my mind is going to get dragged along too and it is already protesting loudly.
It will be good in the end, I think. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe none of it will work out and it won't matter anyway. I don't know, only one way to find out though...
Here we go. :)