I have been learning a lot this year and I've really been wanting to share some of the things I've been learning. I've had so many topics I've wanted to write about and explore on here.. but I have written about almost none of them. I haven't even taken notes on them in a journal like I used to do.
I told myself that it was because I've been too busy. This is fair. I have been much busier this year than I have in the past several years, but being busy isn't really the reason I stopped writing. The reason I stopped is because of resistance.
Resistance is a term that comes up frequently in the consciousness/ spiritual community. It is basically exactly what it sounds like, some part of you resists doing, thinking, feeling, or acknowledging something even though another part knows that the thing that you are resisting will ultimately help you and is something you actually want to do.
Resistance points to an inner struggle and it comes up almost every time you are preparing or working towards some life-changing thing. The thing could seem small on the outside but it reflects a shift in perception or belief that will ultimately change how you see yourself and in turn will change who you are and how you relate to the world. It might not be evident to anyone else when this change occurs but over time the change in your perspective starts to change you and everything around you and in this way what can seem small and insignificant grows into something life-changing (and arguably world-changing).
One of my friends and mentors who has been involved in spirituality and consciousness-building far longer than me told me last year that she uses fear and resistance as a compass. Whenever something brings up a lot of both she knows that it is the direction she needs to take. It's not an easy thing to do and it's not something that has to be faced all at once, in fact she reminded me on many occasions when I tried to run head first into a wall of resistance and landed on my ass, to move gently instead. It involves a kind of balance, I guess. You face your resistance with the courage and perseverance of a warrior but you also accept and love it and yourself with the gentleness and understanding of a parent.
Anyway, I want to start writing on here again because I have been learning a lot and want to share it. I want to get past this wall of resistance, but I will not beat myself up over the fact that I have instead been shrinking away and hiding from it. I can be gentle enough to know that I wasn't ready. Resistance is challenging and that's okay.
I will share with you how the resistance I feel towards writing these things takes form for me though. I'm doing it partially to free myself from it. The voices (the helpful guiding ones) told me at the beginning of the year that in these starting months everything that has been holding me back will be taken away. I think this has been a pattern playing out for a lot of people (and could go into some astrological explanation of it, but won't right now). They said they said that they will be taking everything that is in my way: fear, guilt, shame, pride, lack, etc. Of course the process of this I knew would mean that all of those things would have to come to the surface in order to be cleared away. Taking them means that they come up from the deep recesses within my soul so that I can see them again and again and again and become aware of all the patterns I have woven which lock them in place, and then I can let them go and change the pattern. As soon as they are seen they loose their power, but the process of seeing them is generally uncomfortable and sometimes excruciatingly painful. This year I have been lucky, it has mostly been uncomfortable with only a few bouts in the beginning of the year of excruciating pain which were related to some of my worst fears and things I didn't want to admit to or look at. Anyway I want to tell you exactly what this particular resistance sounds like for me because bringing the words to the surface will ultimately take the power out of them.
This is what they (the negative they that reflect my doubts, fears, shadows) say whenever I even think about writing about a topic that is meaningful to me:
Who do you think you are to write about something like that? Do you think you know anything worth while? You think you are better than everyone else? You think you are more "enlightened"? YOU? You are a loser, you are worthless and pathetic and dependent on others for survival. You don't know shit and have no place talking about ANYTHING. Especially things related to the soul.
What makes you think you are good enough to know anything? What makes you think you have anything worth saying? You are wrong and at best everyone will ignore you, at worst you will hurt them. If they listen to you then you will cause them pain. You are wrong and you are getting people to believe in your delusions and lies, but they are just lies.
No one cares anyone. Everyone can see that you are just trying to be "better than them." You are trying to find meaning when there is none and make yourself more important than you are. You want to feel like you aren't the pathetic, worthless loser you know that you are and you are playing this game to make yourself feel valuable, but deep down you know that you will always be crazy. You will always be nothing.
You are going to destroy all your friendships and relationships. People will lose respect for you. They will see that you crazy and they will hate you. You will lose everything. It's bad enough that you actually believe in all this crap, but why don't you keep it to yourself. Do you have to let others know that you believe in it? Do you have to show them how stupid and crazy you really are? And to think that you actually believe it will do any good...
You actually think that you matter? Why should you matter? You are nothing. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? You have the audacity to believe that anything you do makes any difference at all. Don't you know you are nothing. Don't you know that your place is to be NOTHING?
Why are you wasting your time writing something no one will read? Why are you wasting your time doing something that doesn't matter. You should be working harder. You should be doing more. You don't have time for this shit. How can you believe that any of this means anything? It doesn't and you are just wasting what little value you might have had by spending time on this instead of homework, or cleaning, or looking for a job or....
You get the idea. What comes up for me when I try to write these are primarily related to guilt, pride, and fear as well as to this kind of existential emptiness that has a tendency to creep up on me from time to time. I am able to write this now without being in too much pain over it because I don't actually believe those things anymore. They are still there and if I don't sit down and face them they race around in near silence in the background of my mind stirring up emotions of anxiety, guilt, and a sense of unease. If I sit and listen I see that they are the same accusations I've been facing for years. In the past they ran me over and tore me to pieces, but something in me has changed. I don't believe them anymore, not really. My reaction to them is still there out of habit but there is a sense of knowing beyond words that they are wrong.
I know now without having to "prove" it that I don't deserve to be in constant pain, that my voice matters, and even if no one reads this or cares-- even if people think I'm stupid or crazy or both-- speaking up and talking about what matters to me is important if for no other reason than because it is my way of standing up for myself. No one has to listen to me or believe me, but I don't have to hide either. In fact I can't hide anymore as the helpful voices who tend to predict things that are eerily becoming true tell me, my hiding places are all being removed. It's time to face the truth.
I wanted to live with authenticity and openness, they are helping me. That means that I can't hide anymore. Whether people judge me or not, whether I judge myself or not, however I am received or rejected I am learning about what it means to be free.. The kind of freedom that comes from being yourself, all of yourself.
Thank you for facing this resistance with me today. It really does mean a lot to me.
Sending love and gratitude,