I don't know exactly what my dream is. It hasn't ever been something concrete enough for me to describe. It's kind of a vision, an idea, and kind of a feeling. I don't know exactly what form it will take in the real world but every once in awhile I get a glimpse and feel it tugging at me again and I remember what all of this was for in the first place.
Sometimes when life feels dark or even when it feels light but slow, I forget that I ever had a dream. In those moments even if I remember that it once existed I feel so discouraged about how far away it looks that I think it was stupid to ever believe in it. At those times I start to think it was just a delusion.
I don't know. Maybe it will never become a real solid thing, but I keep feeling it. It twists and turns and draws me along and the whole time I'm left wondering where exactly I'm going and why. And then I see that spark and I remember.. oh yeah there was something here.
I'm still not sure exactly what it is and it still seems desperately impossible, but I have an underlying feeling that if I keep trying, if I keep adjusting and assessing and listening and moving eventually it will start to become real. It's just a sense-- a belief that eventually it will work out in some unexpected way-- but I have to keep going. Just keep going.
"What if it's all for nothing?" The fear asks at those times, "What if you are only fooling yourself into thinking that something meaningful will come about when really it never will?"
"Then at least I will have tried" that irritatingly hopeful part of myself responds, "And if I try I'll get a whole lot further than if I never did."