Falling and Getting Up
Sometimes you push your boundaries and succeed.
Those times feel amazing, like you can do anything.
Sometimes you push them and you have a nervous breakdown.
Those times don't feel so good and you are reminded that you can't quite do everything, at least not yet...
I hate the aftermath of those times. It sucks so bad, but I guess in the long run it isn't really bad. It's just a different way of learning. It's part of life that reminds you of your limits and teaches you that you still need to be compassionate with yourself. It's a chance to practice healing and can give you some insight into where you are still harboring secret pain.
Finding secret, hidden, enclaves of pain is not the most pleasant experience. Working through that pain is even less pleasant. But at least when you are aware of those pain-areas you can keep an eye on them. You won't be taken by surprise so quickly when they show up and sometimes you can even release some of the fears and beliefs that allowed them to take root. It might not feel good, but that's okay. Life isn't always about only feeling good and recognizing and loving yourself for who you are means that you recognize and love all your painful spots too. How can you do that if you never know where they are?
So maybe that's a big part of pushing boundaries. It's not just about overcoming fears or realizing how strong you are, it's also about finding fears and realizing how weak you are-- and learning to love yourself anyway, even that painful, weak, scared part.
I get so frustrated. Every time this happens I get so upset: with myself, with the world, with who or whatever makes the rules that govern existence, with existence over all. The anger I feel and the desire I have to destroy that weak part of myself that messed up again is probably much worse than the actual episode. The episodes happen. They are scary and painful, I feel stupid in the way I act and think, but they pass. The anger stays though. For days and sometimes weeks or months beyond the episodes. It rages and threatens and tries to tear out whatever weakness allowed the episode to take place.
Anger isn't a bad thing. It's a powerful emotion. It can overcome barriers and move mountains. It's strong and can be protective and necessary. But when anger rages over something because that something exists, when it tears apart of piece that cannot help but be what it is then it is out of line. Then it starts to destroy for the sake of destruction. Then it hurts and that's when one episode can turn into a serious problem.
So what I am learning now is the need for compassion beyond what I've given in the past. The need to be compassionate with both the weakness and the anger. It hurts. I'm mad that it hurts. I want to be stronger. I'm not. It's okay.
It hurts. I'm allowed to be hurt. I'm mad. I'm allowed to be mad. I can feel hurt and angry without letting either consume me. I don't have to uproot and destroy everything because I fell down. Falling happens, it lets you practice getting up again.